I’ve been wanting to write this post for awhile. I thought about doing a FB live post because sometimes writing may not convey the depth of emotion that I feel on this subject.
Jeremiah 31:3 The Message Bible
2-6 This is the way God put it:
“They found grace out in the desert,
these people who survived the killing.
Israel, out looking for a place to rest,
met God out looking for them!”
God told them, “I’ve never quit loving you and never will.
Expect love, love, and more love!
I had spent the majority of my life not feeling loved. I doubted my worth, my value. I had been made to feel less than, dumb. I’m not saying it was done intentionally, but if something doesn’t come quick to you, you come to the conclusion that you aren’t smart. Is that you today? Unfortunately, I am not in an exclusive club. There are so many people in my town, in my region, state, country and the world that feel like this. Insecurity and unworthiness can display itself in different ways. To draw focus away from areas of weakness, one can overcompensate by acting arrogant and boastful. You can retreat into a world of lust, drugs, alcohol. You can hurt yourself because of the lack you feel on the inside of yourself. I have friends on FB or Instagram that struggle with self-worth because they don’t measure up to what is the “norm”. They deal with anxiety or depression. I include myself in all of this. I have used lust, drugs, alcohol. I have hurt myself because the inner turmoil seemed so big.
In 1993, my brother-in-law introduced me to a loving Father. He isn’t the Father waiting to point out your shortcomings. He isn’t the Father that will strike you down when you fail or miss it. On Thanksgiving, when I tried everything else to fill the void, I asked Jesus to be my Lord. Everything was immediately glorious….right? No, it wasn’t. However, my eternal home was changed and that is a very good thing.
I started attending church at Faith Outreach Family Church in Terre Haute, Indiana and have never left. I still struggled with things while going to church. I struggled with condemnation because I smoked. I tried so hard to hide it thinking that I would be found lacking because of it. I quit and picked it up so many times. God finally spoke to my heart and told me: “you need to quit now!”. And I did, I quit. It wasn’t easy but I walked it out with him. My Christian life has been a series of hills. I would be doing so good in my walk and then I would walk away, go back to God, walk away. Strong Christian/weak Christian. Does that sound familiar with anyone or is it just me? My current Pastor said, “but you kept getting up.” I did, I kept getting up.
My husband doesn’t come to church with me, but he knows that prayer works. There have been situations concerning our kids that he would ask, “You pray about that?” If I said no, he would remind me of how things happen when I pray. There was a particular situation that had been going on in our family that was really starting to wear thin and exhausting our patience. I asked to meet with my Pastors. (This was in November). I told them what was going on, we prayed in our understanding and in the spirit. Pastor gave me scriptures to stand on. What stood out to me and has been a total game changer for me is what Jesse (my Pastors wife) said to me by the Holy Ghost. The Holy Spirit said, “and I know what Julie is going to do. She is going to get all the scriptures and she is going to say this and say that…….STOP IT!!” That took the breath right out of me. I was leveled. Two words, two words from the Holy Ghost leveled every wall I had erected. This makes me tear up. Since 1993, for the majority of the time (with some exceptions), I had tried to walk the Christian life in my own strength. I was never meant to do this life on my own. So, after that was said to me, I asked what I was supposed to do now?! She told me to let God love on me. She said that I was God’s favorite and that I needed to let HIM LOVE ME!!!
Do you KNOW how hard that was!? That afternoon, God’s Holy Spirit shined down revelation light and cut me to the very foundation of who I was. Later when I asked God what I was supposed to do now, He said…Now, WE build. Since then, I move slower when it comes to decisions, I try to be more attentive to the things of God, more in tune to what my Father is saying to me through His Word, to what He may be saying regarding parenting, etc. He wants access to all of me.
Since November, I have experienced the LOVE OF MY HEAVENLY FATHER!! He has turned my heart around for my earthly father. Feelings of insecurity and unworthiness is becoming a thing of the past. I feel like a 1 year that has just learned to walk. You’ve seen them, they run without fear because they know that we are watching out for them. AHH Daddy!! I run without fear because of the freedom I have in YOU!! I run with joy, confidence and love! You shower me with loving-kindness in the morning and in my mouth are songs of Praise and Adoration to you my ABBA!
God is out looking for YOU!! If you are reading this and this has touched you, or you’ve saw yourself in this, please reach out to me. I would love to pray with you, for you!! The first step is asking Jesus to come and make His home your heart. He isn’t asking you to get cleaned up before you ask Him. He wants to come right into the middle of everything you’ve got going on.
Heavenly Father, I come to You in the Name of Jesus. Your Word says, “Whosoever shall call on the name of the Lord shall be saved” (Acts 2:21). I am calling on You. I pray and ask Jesus to come into my heart and be Lord over my life according to Romans 10:9-10: “If thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God has raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation.” I do that now. I confess that Jesus is Lord, and I believe in my heart that God raised Him from the dead. – Kenneth Copeland Ministry